I’ve a dismissive avoidant partner who said that he’s overwhelmed by our relationship and that he wants to break up, how do I get him back?

The is the main reason I came here to Quora, I wanted to try and help, I wanted to get some good Karma for my past transgressions. I hope that I have achieved that in some small way.

Understanding that DAs suppress their emotions and push healthy emotionally available people away is really important for any one in a relationship with or considering a relationship with a DA.

Will they do it for you? No

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I sucked at the relationship part!

If your DA is overwhelmed, the only thing you can do is give him space.

I feel for all of them. I can relate to them.

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I even got my Mom and dad to do attachment tests. Mom the DA and Pop the FA. They even did some soul searching to figure out why they were that way, we spoke about it for countless hours.

He might miss you, but if you chase, he is gone. You can say, ok I get it you are overwhelmed, Take all the time and space you need. If and when you are ready to talk I will be here for you.

Are they bad people? I don’t think so. I am a reformed DA, my Mom is a DA, I have fallen in love with DAs. I get them, I understand how tragic it is for the DA.

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I know that even severely dismissive avoidants can be so incredibly awesome, if they do the work and learn to open up and become emotionally available they can be awesome partners.

When she discarded me for the second time, I knew I had done everything I could, I knew she was avoidant, she knew she was avoidant and i really tried my best to be the partner I would have wanted some one to be when I was avoidant.

Why? Well, emotionally their parents were just not available to give them the love they needed. They were available to meet all of the physical needs, but not the nurturing and acceptance that is required to make babies feel safe and secure.

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Really securly attached people are not going to put up with the DA nonsense.

Even if you do what makes you think he is going to change? What is it that is so attractive, is it the way he was so attentive in the beginning? Did he love bomb you and make you feel like you were special, and that you had a future together? Did you think you found the one?

The thing about breaking up, and experiencing pain is you can experience the “Dark Night of the Soul”, and discover your shadow self. I hate that it sounds so “dark and creepy”. It really isn’t, sometimes people think that sounds demonic. It is the opposite, it is coming to peace with all of the unhealed unconscious patterns and programs that keep us from being our best self.

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Funny thing they apologized! We made peace.

Maybe I was thinking if she overcame her DA ways, she would appreciate me even more and we would be perfect together. But that isn’t what she was thinking.

Even though I only wanted to be with someone and I was madly in love weeks or days before , I just became disgusted, and would go numb.

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Can they change? Yes

Are they difficult to be in a relationship? When they are severely avoidant they are. But like everything else in life there is a spectrum, some are mildly dismissive some are extremely dismissive.

When this happens, and no real commitment or emotional bonds exist all of the suppressed emotions that were dismissed and avoided in the past are free to come rushing to the surface. When they feel the oxycitocin they think finally i have found the “one and only”.

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Usually the mother her self is avoidant, depressed, perhaps narcissistic, just not emotionally available and often controlling.

The thing is, when people are wired to dismiss and avoid, and that is what they do no one can do anything to make them change but them selves. For me I had to go through a lot to recognize that I was a DA.

I was severely avoidant, I discarded women and if the were unfortunate enough to have fallen for me I crushed them emotionally. I was an emotionally unavailable, self centered jerk who thought it was a super power to just cut people out of my life in an instant. I didn’t think twice about it, not until months after I discarded them. Then sometimes I would miss them, and think about them.

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She broke my heart, twice. Can’t say I did not deserve to be karmas bitch. I did, it was how I realized all the pain and suffering I caused other people.

Will you DA change? Maybe, maybe not. If you are going to be with a DA the only one you can change is you. It is really possible that for anyone wanting to get their DA back, they have some anxiety issues that they probably should be looking at.

I felt like I wanted to die! I laid around for one week, like a zombie. it took months not to think about here every waking moment and she haunted my dreams. So I went back to work. Dug deep into my shadow self, and really made peace with my inner child.

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Funny, that heartache was the best thing that ever happened to me. Before being discarded the first time, I had been working so hard on self realization, and I was really proud of my self. I believed I had come so far. I didn’t realize how broken my inner child still was. I worked on that before getting back together for the second time.

It is through acknowledging the parts of our inner being that we have failed to acknowledge and that are our emotional triggers that we can integrate them into our conscious and turn our weakness into strength becoming far better people and being far better off.

I am done with that personally, I know DAs are not bad people. I am not saying all of them are severely dismissive, it is a spectrum.

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In this stage, it is easy to think you found someone who is secure and really into you. It is easy to get attached, but DAs have attachment wounds.

Let’s start with the most basic considerations, the DA has an elevated cortisol level so they are in a heightened state of stress as a base line.

Our relationship was over in an instant, it was a complete discard.

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I remember thinking about why i just had no feelings at all, I couldn’t talk about it, i had no idea what was happening, it was all reactive.

They develop unconscious patterns, why? Because children are ego centric. They think if I am not loved, I am not love worthy. Which is a core wound and fear for the DA. The belief that deep down they are unlovable and defective. This is unconscious, it lurks in the DA shadow self, they are unaware of their fear of abandonment and unworthiness. They internally are wired to withdraw from emotional connection, to turn inside and fend for them selves, and they think every one should be that way. So don’t try to get them to open up, it is the emotional connection that partners seek that are the triggers for the DA.

Will it be easy for them to change? It wasn’t for me, it took years of therapy, meditation and shadow work.

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They are still who they are, but they are trying to improve. Who said old dogs can’t learn new tricks.

As I recovered I fell deeply in love with a DA. Guess I had the savior complex going on. The relationship lasted three years. After the first year she discarded me by text, jumped into a new relationship with on weeks. Eight months later we got back for another two years, she discarded me by text and within a month was in another relationship.

I would withdraw, they wouldn’t know why. They would ask, and the more they did the more I shut down, Sometimes just disappearing, lots of time cheating and chasing the next girl to become infatuated with.

But in the mean while, if he is severely dismissive why the heck do you want to be with him?

I was addicted to the chase, I loved being infatuated!

After all they dismiss their own feelings, they avoid self reflection and connection. They usually fail to self improve, because they don’t reflect. So expecting them to change is not realistic.

As children love was conditional, if they scored a goal they got attention. But if they hurt them selves they had to shake it off, if they had feelings they were not allowed to express them, they were told that emotion is not acceptable if you want to be sad go be sad by your self. They were controlled and learned that if they were going to get any emotional soothing they would have to do it for them selves.

The thing I would discover, is only did that with emotionally available partners. The really good girlfriend material, the ones who cared about me and were available, the ones that I really would have been better off with.

When I hit bottom and recognized how messed up I was I began my road to recovery in earnest. It took years of therapy, mediation, countless self help books, shadow work and inner child healing. I am really secure today, but it was a long hard road for me.

Before I started my journey to heal, I would meet a woman and man I was the most awesome partner, you were going to fall for me I was going to win you over.

They have lower levels of dopamine production, which in part explains why the infatuate so hard in early relationship stages. When they get infatuated the increased oxytocin levels are even more “addictive’” because they lack dopamine, and because that they get really get off on the increase oxytocin levels produce.

The primary caregivers did not allow the baby to freely express themselves. Often the baby is left to cry them selves to sleep.